FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT DIVORCE WITHOUT COURT

No, of course not. It’s very rare for both parties to feel completely amicable in a divorce. And it’s not necessary for an uncontested divorce. You both need to be willing to sign the same court paperwork – this is how you avoid the increased requirements and paperwork in a contested divorce. But when you first start, you don’t need to feel completely amicable, or agree on every issue.

An uncontested divorce uses most of the same forms as a regular divorce when other people see the record of your dispute. But a regular divorce/litigation requires much more paperwork. For example, in an uncontested divorce, both parties sign the same petition before filing it with the court. In a contested divorce, one person signs the petition, then pays a company (or asks a friend) to “serve” the other person with a copy of the paperwork. This service requires another round of paperwork to be filed with the court in order to prove that both parties have a copy of the petition that the first party filed. Then the second person has to file a response to the petition before the court’s deadline. The second person’s response also has to be “served” to the first person, and that paperwork to prove it to the court has to be filed with the court as well. All of this takes time and, usually, money (if you’re paying a divorce lawyer).

In an uncontested divorce, both people save time and hassle. They each review the same paperwork and verify the paperwork for the court with their signature. Then the couple completing an uncontested divorce will file one divorce form together, instead of three forms separately. In a contested divorce, the court’s verification process requires three rounds of paperwork to accomplish the same thing that a couple completing an uncontested divorce can finish with a single signature on the right form.

Yes. Anyone can stop litigation at any time. Most court cases settle without a trial. You can hold on, paying your lawyer more and more fees, until you

Mediators are neutral. Attorneys get paid for paperwork and conflict. Every extra filing is something an attorney can bill. Most people going through a divorce will pay at least a few thousand each month until their divorce is over. Most attorneys require a “retainer” and they bill hourly, subtracting the fees for the time spent answering emails, scheduling with the court clerk, and reading information that you’ve sent. Mediators work differently. There’s no extra fees if you take longer to settle. We don’t want extra paperwork. Mediators keep things calm and work to be fair to both sides. No one can “win” a mediation. (No one really wins a court case either – at best you don’t get stuck with something you hate – but that’s another story). Mediation is successful when you both understand your options and agree on the best way to move forward. It’s a completely different process than divorce stories you’ve probably heard from friends and family members. Mediators are neutral and mediation is only about finding information and problem solving. How much can you each borrow? How do you get one parent off the mortgage so the other parent can keep the house where the children have been raised, to allow some stability during the transition? What visitation schedule works around your child’s bedtime routine? These are all questions that won’t be addressed in court. Mediators focus on working out the details that lawyers ignore, so that you can move forward.

A lot of attorneys will rely on their experience, or judgement, and tell you to just trust them. We focus on giving you the tools to make your own decision. We give you the background information and the source for all our advice. For example, the handbook for Family Law Judges is here and the handbook for Domestic Violence cases is here. These and other resources, including the relevant rules and case law, are always available through our firm. We’re only trying to help you decide for yourself what you need. We don’t need to hide the ball to do that – we can just give you the information. Our experience does play a role, however. The information available can be overwhelming. And it’s easy to miss the forest for the trees. People without a background in law don’t realize how the rules intersect. For example, the child support formula found here is NOT the entire transfer payment that will be set by FL Form 130. A person who reads the rules can easily miss that intersection. We can help you fill in all the areas where you “don’t know what you don’t know.”

Sure. If you have no assets, you agree on everything, and you’re confident that any future paperwork snafus can be handled amicably, then there’s no reason to involve a lawyer or a mediator. Fill out court forms FL 201, 231, 241, 140, 130 (if you have children), a support worksheet, a confidential information form, and a vital statistics record for the court clerk. The forms are free and the directions are online here.

There are more directions here.

A lot of people who are getting divorced aren’t able to do this effectively, however. For example, if you’re selling a house and dividing the money, what would happen if one person lost their job and then wanted to keep more than the agreed on amount? What would happen if one person became upset about their ex’s new boyfriend, and then refused to sign the deed so the house can be sold at the last minute? What would happen if there’s a global pandemic and the house can’t be sold right away? It’s easier to set up what you want to do as a list, and then check off each item as you go. Then you can negotiate with each other once, and avoid unnecessary conflict in the future. Your contract becomes your court order. You’ve both signed, which makes it enforceable (more on this below) and you can go into as much detail as you want.

Court forms cannot tell you what happens if someone loses a job or needs to adjust. Contracts are more flexible. Contracts can give you a date to divide your retirement assets, and a way to maximize tax benefits if one of you will be buying a new property. Contracts help you settle your affairs without having to keep dealing with each other.

Court forms are also never really final. You can always argue about them because they’re short and open to multiple interpretations. Contracts are final. Court forms require the court to give approval, and you have to wait for the court’s schedule. Contracts are final when you sign. You can decide ahead of time what to do and set your own timeline.

Most couples are getting divorce because they don’t always handle conflict in an optimal way. It’s usually cheaper and faster to hire someone to help with your uncontested divorce. We know how to help you protect your assets, your credit score, and your financial future. Forms are cheap and easy – and we have a class to help you fill out the forms if that’s all you think you need. But if you need a little more, or the forms are making you dizzy, then we can help.

Not if you write a contract. The court has two functions. A court can help you resolve disputes or a court can make a record for you. The court forms are an official record that other people can see. If you go to trial you end up with the same court forms, the judge just fills them out. The judge also fills out an order that gives you some specifics about how the court forms will work. If you sue each other but then settle before trial, you get a settlement agreement with some specifics and the same court forms, you fill them out. Either way, you get a short summary of how to proceed and the court forms that make a record of what you’ve been told to do. What we do is a little more than that. We give you a contract with the specifics and the court forms. A contract and then simple court forms to make a record is how Bill and Melinda Gates and many other high-level tech executives have settled their divorce. The contract gives you more options, and it’s more enforceable. If you have a contract, you follow the contract to resolve your dispute, and then the court forms make an official record. It’s the same end result as if you went to court, but with more details written down. You also have more options to save money outside of court.

Yes. If you sue and go to court, you are granting the court the right to tell you what to do with your own property. You’re saying “We cannot resolve this dispute. So now you can tell us what to do.” A contract is based on the rights you already have in your property, which gives you more options. The judge has very limited authority to take your property, and to do that a judge has to follow complicated rules. If you don’t sue, you still have all the same rights. You just haven’t given the court or a judge any authority over your property. You still have to follow any rules that you follow in ordinary life – you can’t write a contract to defraud the IRS or other illegal acts. But your  property is your property and you’re still in charge. You have what you have. You can decide what to do with it. A judge only has the right to tell you what to give your ex partner if you ask the judge to settle your dispute.

No. Mediators are not therapists. You feel how you feel. You’re entitled to want whatever it is that you want. Mediation is a process that lets you both find a path forward from wherever you are. Mediators can’t change the past and they can’t force you to agree. But they can help you clarify your options, reality test your assumptions, and, if all goes well, finally hear each other’s needs. Every relationship that doesn’t work is one where your needs aren’t being met. The relief you can feel when you finally find a way to let go of the conflict and get at least some of what you need is, frankly, really amazing to watch.

I work with both of you because I do not represent either one of you. A mediator is neutral and does not represent either party. Some lawyers will charge you for an “uncontested” divorce and represent only one of you. I like being neutral because it gives you more options. For example, if one of you wants to stay on your current insurance for a little while, you can do that together with a contract pretty easily. But a lawyer who represents only one of you doesn’t have to tell you about that, and might get in trouble if they try to help you. A mediator is more like a CPA. A CPA has to tell both of you all of the information that could be relevant to your finances. You’re welcome to talk to a lawyer before you sign any contracts or court paperwork. A lot of tech employees use our service for the contract, and then use their free legal insurance through their employer to review the paperwork.

Usually you both book a time to come in, answer some questions and provide some frameworks beforehand, and then spend an hour or so talking through the issues. The mediator is trained to frame the discussion so you can end with a path forward. Most people only need one session, or at the most two. Most people find they feel better if they can start moving forward right away, rather than meeting over and over to talk about the same things. Some people use a contract to separate before they file their court paperwork to let other people know they’re divorcing. Others do everything at the same time. It’s up to you, but you should check with a CPA or a mortgage broker to set up your money/credit before you file anything with the court. A lot of people file a divorce petition and then realize they can’t get access to credit. Then they’re stuck. They need a loan to settle their court case, but they can’t get a loan because they haven’t settled their court case. Banks don’t like to make loans to people who are in court. There’s no way to know how much money you’ll have left when you’re done. It’s a lot easier to set up your money before you file anything – and that’s how Bill and Melinda Gates were able to buy a house and live separately before anyone else knew they were divorced.

Yes. If you disagree on any of the issues in your divorce, you can still always sue each other rather than continue with an uncontested divorce. But any information shared as part of the mediation process is confidential. Nothing you say in mediation can be used against you later. Notes, comments, and emails are all confidential.

Any money you pay to the other parent is supporting your children. It’s normal to be upset and not want to pay more than what feels fair. Most parents also really want their children to be comfortable, and to keep any conflict away from the children. Using a settlement agreement, a lot of people are able to find flexible arrangements that work for both parties. For example, you can work out a monthly payment that is a percentage of income, rather than a flat number, to cover situations where a parent’s income fluctuates, or could change without much notice due to the industry, or other considerations that would make a flat-fee payment impractical.

There are online calculators, but these won’t take into account how much you can afford. More important, maintenance in terms of a monthly payment is often a really clunky way to transfer money. The whole point of a contract is that you can use your contract to set up systems that give you more from your money. For example, you could ask for $36,000 paid $1,000 a month for three years. The money might help pay the bills a bit, but you’re not getting ahead. Or you could ask for $36,000 paid in after tax calculations from retirement funds. In 10 years you’ll have more than what you started with in the account as the money accrues. Or, even smarter and a common situation in contracts, you could ask for $36,000 prepaid on the mortgage so that you have free housing for the next two years while you go back to school. The house will go up in value, the principal will be paid down, and the school will increase your earnings. It’s the same amount of money, but the returns are dramatically better. Your CPA can tell you whether or not you can afford to prepay or otherwise transfer money. You’ll want to see what tax treatments are most favorable (you can transfer money without paying taxes as part of your separation contract per the IRS website). Most people find that translating the request for maintenance into a “lump sum” that you can use to provide a benefit is much easier for both of you.

These are two very different questions, even though they sound like the same thing. In Washington, we’re a community property state. A Washington court would give you half of a house that you bought during your marriage. In other states, like Colorado, they’re an equitable division state. The court will give you an amount they think is fair. Did your rights to your own house change when you moved from Washington to Colorado? No. What actually changed was the rules a judge would use to divide your property if you sue each other in court. A lot of people spend their time trying to figure out what to ask for in court. This is what any lawyer who handles contested divorces will be able to help you do. You can make hypothetical arguments for what you want and then see what the other side comes up with and… spend a year in trial. But most cases settle before a trial. At some point people run out of money and sit down together to work out what they can both do to settle the case. Uncontested divorces kind of skip to the end of all that and settle without suing. It doesn’t matter why you want what you want. You’re settling. Not arguing. The relevant questions are: What can you actually afford to live on? What can your ex afford to give you? What feels fair to you? It doesn’t matter if your ex agrees that you should feel a certain way. You don’t have to see the situation the same way. All that matters is what you can actually do. Can you borrow to get a new house? If not, let’s use a contract to set it up so you qualify for a mortgage. Can you live on your savings and go back to school? If not let’s find a way to make that work. In an uncontested divorce we focus on your goals. Do you want to buy a house in the next year? Do you need to go back to school? Is there an unpaid tax bill? Do you own a business? Your rights are the same in all of these scenarios. Only your options change. And most people have more options if they write their own contract.

When you look at the gears-on-gears legal arguments a lawyer is making, it’s easy to get confused. Your lawyer makes sense and you think “I’m going to win!” Then the judge seems impressed by your ex’s lawyer. What’s going on? How do you understand? Well, here’s a cheat to know what a judge is going to do. A judge will almost always pick the option that’s easiest for the judge. They want something clean, easy to understand, and won’t be overturned. If you look at the arguments and think “What would make the judge’s life easier?” That’s more than likely what’s going to happen. A good rule of thumb is to add up everything you have and divide by half. The judges don’t like to go over half because… that’s how you get an appeal. Assume you’ll get slightly less than half of everything that’s there, and you’ll be pretty close to correct after a lawsuit. Another good rule of thumb is “How long does it take to explain why I should get….” Anything more than one or two steps and you’re probably making a long shot argument. Think about it. “Washington is a community property state. I want half the house.” Easy. Quick. Probably going to win. The judge will write a single sentence “You split the house…” and you’re done. It’s easy for the judge. Compare that to something like, “My parents forgave my student loans so I could afford to make a down payment and I didn’t save as much as I wanted for my retirement so my ex really owes me…” complicated. Long. Depends on people who aren’t even part of the lawsuit. The judge would have to research a lot of other rules and look up precedent and write a long opinion that someone would likely find something to appeal… That’s not easy for the judge. They don’t want to do that. They’re overloaded with cases and they don’t have time to write something fancy that will just get tossed by the appeals court anyway. Bottom line: If you can’t make an argument quickly and easily, and your’e asking for more than half, it’s very unlikely you’re leaving money on the table if you settle for about half.

A contract is easier to enforce and more “official” than a court order or court form, at least in terms of “how do I get my money back or make my ex do something for me.” If you only use the generic court forms to set up your divorce, then you have a very generic set of directions with no details. It’s easy to argue different interpretations. Does the form wording “Monday after school” mean that’s based on the school day, or the after-school activity? What if one parent can’t pick up after school but can send their new partner? All of these scenarios pop up, and a simple set of directions seems complex. People often spend more time and money arguing in court than the amount they’re arguing about. If you have only a court form or short court order after trial, and your ex doesn’t do what they say they will, then you can sue for contempt. But contempt is rare and only a fine. It also takes forever to get contempt and there are no guarantees. Years ago the police used to enforce visitation schedules using the court forms, but they haven’t done that for a while. This means that if all you have is a court form or short order, and you can’t trust your ex, then you never really know what’s going to happen. A contract on the other hand is more specific and easier to enforce. For example, if you say you’re going to sell your house and split the money, then there’s nothing about that in the court form. If your ex keeps the money, you can only sue and hope to get something back. If you have a short court order that says “Sell the house and split the proceeds…” then again you can sue and hope for contempt and maybe a fine. it will take a while and might not work out the way you want. But if you have a contract that both of you have signed, then you can work out all the different possible scenarios ahead of time. Your contract can specify who pays for maintenance while the property is being for sale. How the checks are divided. What happens if one of you accidentally leaves a faucet on and causes damages. What happens if the economy crashes and there’s no profits..  and so on. The who, what, when, where, and why are all laid out in writing in a contract. You always know what to expect. If something happens and your ex tries to keep the money, you can almost instantly get an order for enforcement by just filing a request and pointing to the clause in the contract. There’s no interpretation for the judge (remember judges like to have easy, clear orders). There’s no quibbling left to do. Your ex signed the contract. It’s all laid out and easy to move forward. And if your ex wants to try to sue to get rid of the contract, well, that’s a real long shot. (Please note: if you’re going to sign a contract be really sure you’re ready, because they are very hard to get out of).

Okay. We can do that. If it helps, usually it only feels complicated to get divorced. The trick is to remember that the court forms and paperwork are an “output” and not an “input.” People think they need to set up a complicated system with the forms where the court forms will give them what they are legally allowed to have, and that if one word is wrong then… something will happen. People think filing a petition starts a “divorce process.” They don’t realize that the court forms are really only a record of what already happened. Your forms only make a record for other people to see what happened with your marriage. When you got married, you signed a license and mailed it in to the court for their records. The court forms are just a slightly longer version of that same idea. You wanted to get married and join your finances, so you did. Then you made a record. You wanted to separate your finances, so you did. Then you made a record. Just keep telling yourself you are in charge, because you are, and it will feel better